With James’s first birthday rapidly approaching, I’ve been reflecting a lot on the past year, and specifically on what I would do differently.
I couldn’t come up with too much, not because I’ve done such an awesome job (lol), but because it’s still so close to it all – I’ll probably have a better idea of what I would change in a decade or so when the results of all of my mistakes are more obvious 🙂
There are a few things I would try to do differently though.
1. Remove the pressure!
James was not gaining weight quickly enough the first few weeks and I felt SO MUCH pressure to make breastfeeding work, and it was 100% from myself.
I have mixed feelings about this, because it did work out in the end and has been easy and wonderful for months, and I know this is in part because I worked really hard to increase my supply. Â Still, I was pretty miserable for a while and felt like such a failure whenever my husband gave James a bottle of supplemental formula, and that is just ridiculous.
I was convinced that if he had any bottles at all in the first few weeks, he would refuse to breastfeed, and this was not the case at all. Â He needed supplemental formula for a few weeks while we figured things out, and then he didn’t need it anymore and everything was fine. Â He hasn’t had a bottle since he was probably three months old (not that there is anything wrong with bottles, just to say he did not show a preference for them like I read he might).
More importantly, even if breastfeeding hadn’t worked out, there are millions of happy, healthy formula fed babies out there thriving. Â I know in my heart that what matters most is that I’m here for him, showing him I love him and that he is safe, not what he’s eating.
I’m not entiredly sure where this pressure came from, but I suspect that it was my way of dealing with fear. Â I was so scared of SIDS and so scared something would happen to him, and I think I dealt with that by trying to control this one thing.
While I’m so happy breastfeeding worked out for us, I know everything would be totally okay if it had not. Â I really hope that if we have another baby, I can be a little more relaxed about this.
2. Read about baby sleep
I read so many parenting books and blogs when I was pregnant, but apparently I failed to read up on the basics of baby sleep.
I did not realize how incredibly frequently newborns need to nap. Â Because of this, I kept James awake too long and he fell asleep on me while I was feeding him. Â All of the time. Â This was no big deal at first because he was a sleepy newborn and I could just put him down after he fell asleep and go about my day. Â As the weeks went by though and he became more alert, he would wake up whenever I put him down. Â It got to where he would basically only nap on me.
I was so focused on making sure he got enough to eat, it took me a while to deal with this. Â Once I realized it was a problem, I started transitioning him to napping in his bed (I started with the morning nap, as it was the easiest for him to fall asleep, and went from there). Â It turned out okay, but I know it would have been a lot less stressful if I had started putting him in his bed to nap from the beginning.
Then again, those baby snuggles….
3. Make more freezer meals
I stopped working a few weeks before James was born, so had lots of time at home. Â I read up on freezer meals and found many great looking recipes. Â And then I made one of them. Â Yep, just the one. Â We survived (largely off of bagel sandwiches and eggs), but I would definitely take more time to stock the freezer next time.
4. Join a group
I got about ten times happier once I started getting out more and meeting other new moms. Â It goes 100% against my shy and introverted nature, but I wish I had joined some sort of pregnant ladies group (do these exist?) before I had James so that I had other sleep deprived crazy people to talk to in the newborn days. Â I had so much support from my husband, family, and friends, but there is something about connecting with people going through the same thing. Â Plus, who else will answer your texts at 3 AM?
5. Sleep in our own bed!
James refused to sleep in his bassinet. Â No matter what we tried, he started screaming whenever we put him in there. Â He loved his floor bed right away though, and slept in there just fine. Â So while we had planned to have him sleep in our room for the first few months (to reduce SIDS), he transitioned to his own room within a few days. Â But I was so worried about the SIDS thing, that we transitioned with him. Â We took turns sleeping on a camping mattress in his room for SIX MONTHS. Â There is not enough coffee in all the world….
The thing is, our room is literally across the hall from his. Â We could have opened both doors and it would practically be the same thing. Â And I probably would have been functioning during the day, at least somewhat.
I’m not sure if I could actually change this, because SIDS is so scary and I was so paranoid, but I would definitely work harder to find a safe and functional sleep situation.
While I would do some things differently, there is one thing I am proud of – I really truly feel like I soaked up every minute of James’s first year. Â I spent time staring at him, cuddling him, and just being present and it was everything. Â Time does indeed pass quickly, but I know I did everything I could to slow it down, just a little bit, and that is worth the sleepless nights and hours spent googling and then some.
If you have multiple kids, did you do things differently the second time?
6 Comments
I think you are a wonderful mother and doing a great job. This is such a sweet post and makes me that much more excited to have kids of my own.
That is so sweet and means so much to me, thank you!!
What a beautiful post 🙂 so sweet.
Thank you!
I love this post! When I read your comment “I kept James awake too long and he fell asleep on me while I was feeding him.” Replace James with Liam and that was me. I had no idea what I was doing the first time around and Liam fell asleep on me 90% of the time. I too read so many books on sleep. I couldn’t understand why he would wake up every time I tried to “transfer him.” I did everything different this time with Alessandra and it has been so helpful. She was in her crib after a month, I nurse her when she wakes up, and I swaddle her and put her down to bed with a song, kiss, and lullaby playing for naps and bedtime. She now falls asleep on her own at almost 2 months in her crib every 30-90 minutes. I know this is a phase and things will change but I never thought that the way she falls asleep was possible for a baby. You will do everything different the next time. I think we have to learn these lessons on our own.
Thank you! I’m glad to know I wasn’t the only one, and SO HAPPY to hear that sleep is going so well the second time around. Truthfully, some of my favorite memories of James as a newborn are of him sleeping on me, but I definitely plan to do what you’re saying, and put him down for regularl naps in his own bed, next time. I’m sure it’s especially importand with a big brother around!