I am a total introvert.
It’s not that I don’t like people, but I definitely need lots of time to myself. I actually really enjoy socializing in certain situations, but I do tend to feel exhausted afterward.
I used to think this was a bad thing, perhaps partially because my previous career in business, a lifetime ago, so highly valued outgoing people who excelled at networking and selling ideas to clients. I remember once we took a personality quiz at a training event and they had everyone in each category stand up. I was like one of two introverts out of over a hundred people.
I’ve since read a lot about the differences between introverts and extroverts and now realize that both are really valuable, just different. I highly recommend the book Quiet
I have found though that certain parts of motherhood can be really hard as an introvert. (I am also fully aware that there would be big challenges for extroverted parents too. Babies and early bedtimes aren’t exactly supportive of an active social life….)
While it seems as though society is becoming increasingly understanding and accepting of introverts, babies and toddlers seem to be a little behind that trend.
What? You want to be alone in the bathroom for three whole minutes? Outrage!
In a way, it is super sweet to have a tiny person who wants you within his reach for 100% of his waking (and maybe sleeping..) hours. It can also be challenging though, when you need and crave time to yourself.
These days my toddler goes to bed very reliably at 7 o’clock, so I know I can count on a few hours in the evening to take time for myself if needed. (I of course love spending this time with my wonderful husband too!)
In the newborn days though, this was one of the most challenging things for me. When night time sleep was so unreliable, I often went to bed right after (or even before!) my son. At that time he was mostly napping on me, so nap times did not generally offer an opportunity for alone time either.
I could not have been any more in love with my new little guy, but it still felt like a very basic and essential need of my own was not being met. I truly need time to myself to feel happy and healthy, and that just wasn’t happening. And in retrospect, that was 100% my fault.
My husband would often suggest I take a break and go out by myself, but I had a serious fear of missing any part of the precious newborn stage. Perhaps I was told one too many times that “it goes by so fast”.
I knew nothing about baby sleep and *should* have been putting my son in bed for naps before he was passing out on me. Still, I would not trade those newborn snuggles for anything.
These days, I have time to myself to regroup and reflect and sit in the quiet.
These days though, there is another challenge I’ve found as a very introverted mother.
I have a super social 18 month old and very much want to encourage his outgoing personality.
Perhaps it’s too early to tell, but if I had to guess, I’d say he is far more extroverted than either my husband or I.
It seems he didn’t get the memo on “stranger danger” and goes up to anyone and everyone to chat and offer hugs.
When we go to a park I have a strong urge to find a quiet spot way in the back corner with no people where we can play and enjoy nature without the threat of small talk. I fight that urge though because I don’t want to pass on my own anxieties and shyness to my chatty, bubbly little guy.
Just as I never want to make a child (or anyone for that matter) feel ashamed for being “shy,” I don’t want him to ever feel like it’s weird or wrong to make friends with everyone he sees.
I want to nurture his easy smile and his curiosity about new people and his love of making friends, even if every part of me wants to retreat and avoid social interactions with strangers.
I know this is a bit rambly and I don’t really have a point. I just wanted to share what’s been on my mind in case another introvert out there is facing the same challenge.
Are you an extrovert or an introvert?
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8 Comments
This is such an interesting post. I think I am going to be really similar to you when I have our baby in October – it’s actually something I’ve thought about a lot. My aunt actually gave me the book Quiet a few months ago, and it is SO insightful. Things I have thought for years but never knew how to vocalize!
Exactly! Reading it I just felt like she was literally inside my head. I love books like that!
I will have to check out that book, I love exploring personality types. I definitely struggled with the never being alone as well when my babies were bitty babies. I do need some alone time to recharge and I think it’s hard to take time to yourself as a new mom, even when you have a lot of support and encouragement to take some self care time.
Definitely! It was more challenging than I thought it would be. It is a good book!
I still struggle with it now that my kids are older, but at least now I have been able to talk to them about it and explain my needs in a way that helps them understand and respect the needs of others. It also has helped the introverts of the bunch (I have what I am guessing to be 2 extroverts and 3 introverts) to recognize their own need for alone time and identify the situations that drain them or recharge them. They now slip away to reenergize without my having to ask if they are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted. In the early years, over-socializing would cause tantrums, meltdowns, anger, and teasing. We worked hard to help them sort out what they were feeling and now they can stop the emotional free call before it starts. My 7 year old has days where he needs ten minutes here or there just to wander outside and think, but also has days where he holes up in his room with audio books, art materials, and K’Nex for 6 hours, happy and alone. It will be interesting to see how James develops in this, as that same 7 year old of mine was the most outgoing, friendly, social toddler ever.
Also, a gentle encouragement for days to come — it is good to help them learn to respect your needs and will help them build healthier relationships in the future. I know you know this, but repeat it to yourself when your 4 year old is trying to convince you that they need you to hold them, sleep with them, feed them, go potty with them around the clock… when they ask to come into the bathroom with you, awake in the night to find you, when they don’t want to play with other kids because they would rather sit on the bench with you…. all of this is okay sometimes, but, as an introvert, I need to ask for alone time at times, and, as an introvert, my four year old needs me to help her he brave enough to step away from me sometimes. It comes with SUCH guilt but I just keep thinking about not wanting to raise someone who sucks the life out of those closest to her. It’s good to set boundaries and meet your own needs…sometimes. 🙂
Glad to have found your blog. I’m a homeschooling mom transitioning to Montessori classroom assistant this year and my kids will be coming to the school, as well. Big changes for all of us and hoping to lean on your Montessoriish wisdom along the way. 🙂
Also, I just saw your pic with your little guy in Packer gear. I live 6 miles from the stadium. 🙂
I really love what you said about making your needs known! It is so true, and definitely something I’m trying to work on. I’m also really curious to see if James will stay so introverted – my mom told me I was very outgoing and talkative as a small child too and I’m definitely not that way now, so interesting to watch!
Also Go Packers! My husband is from WI, but I love the beautiful state 🙂
The hardest part for me about being an introverted parent is that I’ve read countless articles that argue about how talking with your baby improves their language skills. The more talking the better! I love my baby, but I get quite exhausted after talking with her even for a short period. I’m sure this will change when she is able to talk back!
I totally know what you mean. My son is two now is one of the chattiest people I know! I love that his language is so developed and of course love hearing the hilarious things he says, but sometimes I definitely crave quiet 🙂